HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
We are now open for business!
Hufflepuff: 0 Gryffindor: 0 Ravenclaw: 0 Slytherin: 0

Share | 
 

 What NOT To Do

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: What NOT To Do   Thu Jul 07, 2011 1:15 am

Character's name: Ragnar Johansen
County of Origin: Faroe Islands
Year: First
House: Ravenclaw
Personality:
Ragnar is 18 years old and acts a lot like Norway and the complete opposite of Denmark. He usually is emotionless but has more emotions then Norway. He has everything against Denmark, Prussia, and anyone who annoys him. You can call him Far-chan because it’s shorter than Faroe Islands. He carries around an axe and only uses it when he feels it’s necessary. He’s very skilled in magic and can do fireballs shield and a lot of other magic even though this is his first year. He likes all of the Nordics except Sweden and Denmark and he also likes Australia even though he is so far away. Far-chan can get along with anyone as long as they aren’t annoying or don’t pick a fight with him.
Far-chan isn’t scared of Belarus or Russia or any country because he feels he can take them down and probably can. He’s one of the shorter nations and he knows it, but don’t call him short. You can call him cute and stuff but NOT short. He usually doesn’t use a wand because he isn’t used to it and is already great at magic with just his hands. And if he gets mad he will either explode with rage or sit in the emo corner.
Appearance:
http://kasshokuookami.deviantart.com/art/Faroe-Island-Hetalia-OC-149501347
Muggle-born, Half-blood, or Pureblood? Pureblood
Strengths:
-He speaks English, Norwegian, Icelandic, Finnish, Swedish, and Danish.
-He is able to float and fly around
-Great at fireballs
-invisibility no cloak required
-Skilled with an axe
-Doesn’t need a wand
-Self defense
-Summoning
Weaknesses, phobias, quirks, etc.
- Easily annoyed by Denmark and Prussia
- will do anything Norway, Iceland, or Finland says
- if he gets wet he can’t use fireballs
- If he thinks a chick is hot then he is their minion
- Will do almost anything for pocky
- Not very enthousiastic
-He isn’t afraid of anything no matter how afraid he should be, but this has helped him before and it also has put him in the hospital multiple times


Likes

-Norway, Finland, Australia, Iceland, and Belarus
- his axe
- magic
-people who aren’t annoying
-pocky
-lefsa
-stalking
-pain
-Sick Puppies (The band not actual Sick Puppies o3o)
-Drawing
-Rock Music
-Pastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dislikes

-Denmark, Prussia, and Sweden
-Baka people
-people who speak French
-August
-His parents
-Football (The American Football not soccer)
-Burgers fries and American food in general
Your Character's Backstory:
After Far-chan was born his mom died leaving his with his dad Scandinavia, but he was too busy with his other children so he let his oldest son and the only one out of the house take care of him. That person was Denmark and he has injured Denmark many times in the past. At about four he started learning magic and that sent Denmark to the hospital leaving Far-chan out on the streets at age 6. He learned to survive on his own and learned to hate Prussia and like a lot of other countries including Iggy, Slovakia, and Czech Republic. He is 18 but it’s only his first year because he hasn’t received education in the past. Eventually Scandinavia died and Far-chan was very happy and learned to like death. He also like the taste of blood. For some reason he inherited almost all his parent’s magic and the other Nordics didn’t become as skilled as him. He got his axe when he was thirteen because he saw Denmark who tried to kill him, but he stole the axe and sent Denmark to the hospital yet again. He eventually met someone who showed him Hogwarts after seeing his magic abilities.
Letter
He didn’t get a letter, but he met a strange man who brought him there.
The Sorting
After a train ride of sitting there doing nothing watching everyone else he made it to the room with the hat. He was walking in line among only countries he didn’t know well. After a lot of names of random people and people he did know he eventually was called and sighed. He walked up and put the hat on. He sat there for what seemed like forever just hoping that it was either Slytherin or Ravenclaw. The hat telling the whole school what he felt the hat eventually yelled RAVENCLAW. Everyone was clapping probably because they were glad it was over.

ABOUT ME:
Name: Im not tellin cause my name sucks xD
Tell us a little about yourself.
I RP Norway mostly but I’m gonna RP far-chan for a change. I’ll RP anything and I’m one of the few guy RPers. And I love pocky o-o
Anything else?
My favorite color is blue
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Re: What NOT To Do   Thu Jul 07, 2011 2:24 am

OH. MY. GOTT.

Alright, stop right there before I am forced to call the ACMSES (or ACGSES since it's a guy). I'm usually one of the nicer admins on here, but like I said in my introduction--when I bash, I bash hard. This is specifically to get the point across. Heavy criticism is needed.

First, and I'll start with the minor issue, this is an AU. Therefore, don't call other characters their country names, call them their human names. You know, like Ivan for Russia, Natalia for Belarus, Berwald for Sweden, and so on and so forth.

Second, Hogwarts has a magical ward around it to prevent intruders. Ragnar cannot simply go to Hogwarts because a man took him there. If Voldemort could not penetrate the magical ward--how can anyone?

Third, you are obviously being lazy with the letter part. There needs to be a letter part. It is required.

Fourth, Hogwarts is hosting a foreign exchange student program. Therefore, Ragnar must have spent some time in another magic school in his region before going to Hogwarts. Read the plot. Please.

Fifth, if Ragnar is eighteen, how can he be a first year? First years are eleven year-olds. Do you know anything about Harry Potter at all?

Now onto the bigger issue. The way bigger issue. I'm going to be blunt because I'm Chinese and that's how we roll--your character is not an OC; it's a Gary Stu. If you don't know what that is, it is the male version of Mary Sue (which I'm sure you're familiar with). I'll point out reasons why:

1. No wand required? Excuse me? Even our former Norway needed a wand. Everyone must need a wand to preform magic. Now, if this was a fandom where people used magic without wands, then I would have overlooked this--but it's not.

2. Fireball shield? You even mention he's a first year--and doesn't use a wand. If he perfected a technique where he combined the fire spell with the shield spell to make this, then sure. But like I said above: he MUST need a wand to preform magic. However, with that being said, it took Snape a few years to try and create a spell just to shut someone up. It's going to take a more to do a spell that high of a level. Furthermore, you mentioned he had no previous training. How the hell can he do a technique like a fireball shield?

3. Invisibility no cloak needed? That's one major Gary Stu point right there. We are roleplaying in the Harry Potter universe using Hetalia characters. No one--and I mean no one--can be invisible without a cloak unless they have superhuman powers. Which translates to being a Gary Stu.

4. Not scared of Belarus or Russia? Everyone, with the exception of America since he is a superpower that went up against Russia during the Cold War, is scared of Russia. And Russia is scared of Belarus. You can make your character act like they are not scared, but they'll still be somewhat miffed on the inside.

5. Flying or floating around. If someone was casting the levitation spell on him, then I understand. If he was using a broom, then I understand. But you are implying he can just lift off the air without those? No one can do that; no one.

6. Your lack of historical knowledge of the Faroe Islands is obvious. Very obvious. I should know since I had to do a report on all the Nordic countries once--Faroe Islands included. It was a Norwegian territory that was forfeited to Denmark under the Treaty of Kiel. It is also a small set of islands within the modern-day Kingdom of Denmark. HOW in the name God can Ragnar beat up Denmark? And even send him to the hospital?

This whole application needs to be redone. From scratch. That's the best advice I can give you. You have two more tries.


Last edited by Maria Beilschmidt on Thu Jul 07, 2011 5:24 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top Go down
Former Canada



Posts : 87
Join date : 2011-05-05
Age : 22

PostSubject: Re: What NOT To Do   Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:32 am

Mind if I step in and nit-pick? Excellent.

1) "emotionless but more emotions then Norway" This makes no sense. Also, can we know what emotions he generally feels instead of just "HE FEELS EMOTION BUT NOT BUT MORE THAN NORWAY".

2) "Far-chan" Why? He's not Japanese and 'chan' is a Japanese honorific. Is he a weeaboo? Or a japanophile? Pick a food he likes that's from his country, too, not pocky. Also, "Baka people"? I think, my dear that you are the "Baka". -_-

3) An axe isn't exactly easy to carry around. Not to mention he'd get it confiscated.

4) Stop talking about who he likes and doesn't like! In AU, generally people haven't met each other yet!

5) Without Fear, humans can't survive. Fear is part of our survival instinct, so damnit, let him feel fear when necessary!

6) Also, he's not possessed by italy. "Pastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" is not an acceptable like.

7) If he likes a chick, he's their minion? That... Is very sexist, actually.

7) Is he a massochist, or a sadist? Why does he like pain? Why? D:

9) Why would he learn to like death if death took his parents?! WHAT. Also, did his dad send him to the streets at SIX YEARS OLD because he hospitalised his brother? That's unclear. And very very stupid. And... Just... Ack!

10) You can't just not supply us with a name! I gave my real name, yes, but other people can give nick-names, it's not that hard. We just need something to call you.

11) Off topic but CHANGE YOUR SIGNATURE. NYANCAT =/= RELEVENT IN ANY WAY.

Remember, these are just the points which Maria missed out. Don't miss any of these, don't miss any of Maria's, and may I stress one last time that this is an AU?
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Former Kiku/Main Admin
Admin
avatar

Posts : 6
Join date : 2010-08-05

PostSubject: Re: What NOT To Do   Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:48 am

Can I just... Can I just step in here for a second?

I just wanted to say... I laughed. Hard.

Now, I'm notorious for being an asshole and this may be the first time doing so when dealing with an application... but it's actually not. Because this isn't actually an application.

I'm also going to point out some things, okay? Just to be productive.

Dislikes:
-His parents
WUT. Um... How can he dislike them? They're dead. I mean, he could have disliked them when they were alive, he could dislike the memory of them, but he can't just go to the graveyard and be like "I hate you mom and dad!"

Alright, you mention a brother he hospitalized. What the hell happened to this brother? No mentions of that. If the parents are dead the brother would have to go somewhere.

Also, I'm going to extrapolate on what Matt said, okay? Well, one of the many many points Matt brought up. Thrown out on the streets at six? That's pretty illegal. He would have been picked up by some sort of social service and put into the foster system. His father would have been deemed an unfit parent and his brother would have gotten put into foster care too.

Or maybe he would have just died.

I think I like that option the best because then we wouldn't have been exposed to this... thing. It doesn't even look like you worked hard on it. In fact it looks like that one story I wrote when I was eleven... *shudders*

Are you taking the hint?

I agree with Maria. Redo please.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://wiztalia.4rumer.com
Former Germania
Admin
avatar

Posts : 77
Join date : 2011-06-10
Location : Our choicest plans / Have fallen though / Our airiest castles / Tumbled over / Because of lines / We neatly drew / And later neatly / Stumbled over

PostSubject: Re: What NOT To Do   Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:23 am

OH WOW. Oh wow, really. Shouldn't it tell you something when all the Admins have something to say about your application? You are the first person to actually get a full house of Admins, and this just makes me laugh.

So, without further ado, I'll be away.

1. He's Norway's twin? I can think of three things wrong with this:
  • You never mention this in the application, like ANYWHERE. In fact, you barely even mention Norway, what? Why was Faroe dumped on the streets but Norway taken in and given a loving home if they're twins? Perhaps they couldn't stand him any more.
  • That makes it seem like he and Norway are equal and by what Maria said, they are not equals.
  • That would make Norway eighteen, unable to go to Hogwarts. Did you even look at Norway's application, or even take in to consideration, since Norway had to drop, any Norway applicant, or Denmark - Denmark would be way older. If we accepted you and then we got a Denmark, he would be over eighteen, meaning he couldn't be a student. This was a very inconsiderate move on your part.


2. Why does he hate French people? This is so racist! I can understand why and Arthur would hate French people - it's a stereotype. But there is no reason why he should hate Francophones, and if there is, you haven't explained it to us at all.

3. I had no idea that the Faroe Islands had been exposed in any way to American football, except perhaps over TV shows. I know I don't watch TV shows and go "Wow, I hate baseball." I've never played baseball, I don't know anything about it, why the hell should I hate it? You don't even give a reason that he hates it, like he was forced to play it as a child even when it was raining and he got all muddy. No, just another target of Faroe Islands' random hatred.

4. Apparently, living on the streets made him hate Prussia, England, Slovakia, ect. Why? Was he bitter that they had homes or something? No, just no. Living on the streets doesn't make him hate random strangers.

5. I don't know about you, but I like people who are not annoying too. It's a bit obvious, wouldn't you say? I would just take it as a given that he didn't like annoying people.

6. 'Sick Puppies'? Is this your favourite band or something? Or did you just want a cheap laugh and utterly fail at this.

7. What on earth is 'Lefsa'? I'm supposed to instinctively know that it's a Norweigan potato bread? Explain his dislikes and likes if you have to.

8. If it were me and I was living on the streets, I'd try not to be picky with my food. If there was some kind of food coming my way I would take it.

9. He's a stalker?! You just make him weirder and creepier by the minute. Normal people don't like stalking; but then, Faroe isn't a normal person, he's a vampire, apparently. Liking blood is also weird; he doesn't need to go to Hogwarts, in my opinion, he should be locked away in some high secutiry mental institution before he hurts someone.

10. 'Scandinavia died and Far-chan was very happy and learned to like death. He also like the taste of blood.' What? So when his father died he drank his blood?! Why does this go here?! Also it should be that he likes the taste of blood. I wouldn't let this guy carry around an axe.

11. Even if nobody picked him off the streets, or he went to an orphanage, or he didn't die, someone would have found him and sent him a letter to the Generic Scandanavian Wizarding School. I mean, the Hogwarts letter found Harry even when he was in the MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN OCEAN. I'm sure it can find a homeless boy.

12. He's a boy without a home who apparently, has the time to go browsing music and go chase tail. Not only that, but Denmark, England and various other countries come and laugh at him for being homeless it seems. Denmark seems to at least.

13. Why on earth is he homeless? Being an orphan who lives on the streets is not fun, and it is not an interesting trope, it's just another sign of a Mary Sue.

14. Statute of Secrecy. Someone just noticed he was using magic? So he was outside, on the streets, doing magic. Right.

15. This streetwise, jaded individual just wandered off with a strange man to a whole other country?! Not to mention visas and permits to the UK that he would need.

16. Total laziness when it comes to the RP sample. He was on the train. It was boring. He got off the train. There was the sorting hat. It yelled to everyone about how he was a psycopath. He took the hat off and sat down. That's what your RP sample was, and I'm barely paraphrasing. This is a literate RP, you can't skimp on the RP sample! It's like going for a job as an architect and bringing a drawing of a house in crayon as an example of your work. Just don't do it.

17. Do NOT use Far-Chan, as people have said and I just want to stress, it is not in character! Even if he was a country - which he's not - you would shorten his name to Faroe, as I have been doing.

18. This isn't movieverse. If you knew anything about Harry Potter then you would know that in the books, the hat talks telepathically with the students. Or at the very least, whispers so quietly that only they can here. Movie-verse is not welcome here.

19. I will say this again, just like everyone else AU. This is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE story. This means they are NOT COUNTRIES. They DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER INSTINCTIVELY - they LIVE IN OTHER COUNTRIES. Unless they're family they WON'T HAVE MET UNTIL HOGWARTS.

20. Your character is such a Mary Sue/Gary Stu. I put it though the Mary Sue Litmus test and got a grand total of 121. The mark boundaries cut off at 50. This is a chronic Mary Sue, just kill it. Kill it and start again and maybe get it right.

If I'm honest, I'm not even trying to be kind, and I haven't even mentioned grammar, scentence structure or spelling, this would be too long otherwise. My advice to you, other than just start anew? Write fanfiction. Eventually you'll become better at characterisation and your characters will be better when you RP. Right now though? I don't even know how you managed to get in to other roleplay forums, when your work is at this quality.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: What NOT To Do   

Back to top Go down
 
What NOT To Do
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Wiztalia :: Characters :: Applications-
Jump to: